sometimes you learn things about your friends you’d rather not know. maybe another friend sends a screenshot revealing that a person you thought you where close with is talking shit about you, or it turns out someone you thought you trusted lied for over a year because they wanted to turn you against someone who’s important to you. ideally, you can go to them. you can talk it out. if your little conversation goes according to plan, they’ll apologize, and they’ll mean it and they’ll stop engaging in whatever middle school-grade mind games they’re trying to pull with everyone in your insular creative community.
the problem is, things don’t always go according to plan. often, things get messy.
unfortunately, this is the mindset under which i entered my weekend after spending most of friday morning reading screenshot after screenshot, a friend i’ve known for nearly a decade, who has no reason to lie, detailing not only her own experiences with a former mutual, but other people’s too.
by the time evening rolled around i hadn’t forgotten, but the situation didn’t prick at me as it did earlier thanks to a roadtrip upstate with my partner and my friends. we had a wedding long in the making, two good friends who have such a talent for bringing good people together. that car ran on sweet times and nice vibes. of course, the next morning i ate shit while getting out of the airbnb shower and now i have a black eye. at least it looks cool.
maybe i’m biased in favor of the couple, but it was actually the best wedding ever. we laughed, we cried, we partied. and the road trip back hit so perfectly, just as perfectly as the drive up, and at the end we got all sappy and emotional about how much everyone loves each other. the whole thing reminded me how privileged i am to know so many excellent people. it reminded me that i don’t need to beg for the friendship of someone who could only attain my trust through dishonesty.
last night i spent some time with another close friend, their girlfriend, and their roommates. more excellent people. that friend also knows the parties involved with this piece of drama, one very well and the other less so. the less so person is the friend who lied, who i think is not my friend anymore. we’re planning a writing project together, and i’m excited for it to progress. they’re like a sibling to me; when i run into people from our past, they always ask how they are because we were so inseparable back in the day.
it’s good to have friends, but it feels especially awful when you learn they maybe weren’t ever friends to you at all. it’s especially biting as queer people. my close friends are my chosen family. we’re community. it rocks you when parts of your community crumble.
i don’t think people are irredeemable. i think we all talk shit sometimes. i think we all can grow. but i don’t like being manipulated or being lied to. trust is important to me because there were times in my life when it felt scarce. i can still like someone after a big lie, but i can’t trust them, at least not until they demonstrate repeatedly why i can. sometimes i beat myself up for being too trusting. my attitude towards other people is very innocent until proven guilty, definitely to a fault. you trust, you get fucked over, you don’t trust anymore, or maybe you do. it’s just how humans treat each other, react to each other, exist together.
except when it’s not. and i need to remember that. that i have friends i can trust.
oh, and i've been thinking about this poem a lot:
