i don't believe in making resolutions for the new year. even though i think it's good to grow and change, i also think that i'd rather do it on my own timeline. it's hard to answer when people ask what my hopes are for the year or what i'd like to accomplish since i don't really know. i guess i'm still working on a chapbook, but that's stagnated (this always happens when i try to make something--the momentum just dies and i can't get it back). existing takes a little too much out of me. i went on a vacation at the beginning of December (the first real vacation i've taken as an adult). i had a great time but somehow it also drained me more than it soothed. what else is happening this year? i'm going to move in with my parner when her lease is up. that's nice. i'm excited to live with her, and i hope it will ease a lot of my stress since i won't need to plan around hour-long commutes and spending so much time away from home.
there really is just this constant pressure. i don't notice it except for every once in a while. it just lifts for a second and everything feels like it used to. it happened this weekend, but the act of acknowledging was enough to kill it. people who talk about depression often talk about a fog, but for me it's more like tension. even if i'm just sitting and doing nothing there is this tension. maybe that's actuall anxiety instead. a perpetual state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. i just started EMDR in therapy, so i hope that will help me.
sorry that this post is a bit of a downer. what else have i been up to recently? i'm in the middle of rereading Strangers in Paradise, which has been one of my favorite comics for years. it's made me cry nearly every day between this week and last.
strangers in paradise #1 (1993)
i also just read Lonnie Garcia's Putty Pygmalion, which i recommend for its artwork and poignancy. also, if you haven't been reading Caroline Cash's Peepee Poopoo books, you need to start. on the literary end, between now and the last entry i read a few books, most notably Alice Notley's The Descent of Alette and i loved it. it's so feverish and psychedelic. oh, and i've been playing a lot of Pokémon TCGP, which is so funny to me. i refuse to pay for the premium, but i'm actually still having a good time. i want to play more ttrpgs (as i have for a while) but i don't want to GM/DM and no one else i know wants to either, so i'm at a little bit of an impass.
between the way the world is (the global shift towards fascism, genocide, climate crisis, etc.) and my own individual stuff, i have trouble mustering up feelings of hope. but i'm trying.